Am I turning into a workaholic? I feel the need to keep checking my emails, trying to stay on top of things. I hate how I am transforming into this work monster.

Some shitty things are going at work right now. Things that are way beyond my control. I feel so helpless and so inefficient. I know things are a complete and utter mess, yet I can't do anything about it except suffer the brunt of anger from various parties. 

'Don't shoot the messenger' they say. But who else to shoot if not the messenger? I hate being at the lowest end of the food chain, to try and please everyone. 

I think this shitty and miserableness I am feeling stems from the fact that I cannot complete the job well. As much as I hate this, I still feel terrible when things go badly. Why am I not not giving a fuck? I should be. Before I send every email I think 'Fuck it' or 'Fuck this shit' before clicking my mouse to give it the go. 

Then when bad news come along I feel completely miserable again. The whole 'I must do things against my will' is not helping either. Like I know this completely sucks, but I still have to shamelessly go ahead with it.

I really don't need to be rich or famous or climb to the top of the world. All I want, is just to be happy. 

Now I am just sad. 

I am still trying to find the little bits of good in every day life. I wish people were a little kinder, a little nicer and a little more giving. I don't want my life to be dictated by the expectations of others, I don't want to be bound by the false transaction of money in exchange for my time, my sanity and my morales. This is anomie. I feel it every once in a while and it makes me want to cry. 

I don't know what I want, except to be happy and contented. Please universe, do your magic.

For right now, after this bit of whining, I really need to go get a grip on myself. Life goes on.